In my Empowering Women’s Coda Support group on fb this week I had one of the ladies pose these questions about herself and others: Is it possible to have a healthy loving relationship after ending one so painful? Do I believe there are any good guys out there? Will I get married again? Do I think I could ever trust again?
I want to say here before I beging this blog, that love is a risk. Always. There is no guarantees. But a risk I feel is worth it as there is always so much to learn and gain! Relationships take work and tweaking always. From both parties.
These are questions I get asked a lot with those who have come out of such hurtful relationships and trying to scrape themselves up off the floor and build their lives back again. I can remember asking myself these things many years ago. When you have had one failed relationship after another, its easy to get discouraged and feel hopeless. Is there anyone out there that wants the same things I want and is it possible to have a happy, fulfilling relationship we ask?
I find it sad when people stay bitter, resentful and hopeless after a failed relationship or after being hurt and betrayed, they make up their minds that all men are jerks and idiots. I happen to be one of those women that believe in love and like to get back on the horse after a breakup. I had a pastor tell me 31 years ago after a betrayal…..”Debbie, this can make you better or bitter, its up to you” I said at that time, I choose better. I will grow and learn from this. And so I did.
I don’t believe anything is by accident and also I am a woman of faith. I believe that no matter what, that “all things work together for our good”. IF we allow it. I often say, “Don’t shoot the messenger”. Our relationships are a mirror of ourselves. We attract what we need to grow and heal and we also treat others how to treat us by what we allow. When we believe that, it removes us from that dreadful victim mentality of blame. I am very grateful today for my most painful relationship as it pushed me to heal my inner demons from childhood and make the needed changes I needed to make. Pain can be a great motivator! However, saying that, we also cannot help and are powerless over a mate who makes a free will decision to be unfaithful, engage in addictions, check out of the relationship, ect. But we DO have a choice also to leave that situation if it is destructive to us and we are not honoring ourselves by staying in it. (Some of us are loyal to our own detriment, working very hard at “trying to get them to get it” and forcing them to change) Its also very draining.
Let’s talk about after all that, what needs to happen to attract a healthier relationship that is the one of our dreams? Saying that, I also want to say that there is no such thing as a perfect dreamy relationship. After all, we all are human and have our character defect qualities. But I do believe we need to go through steps of change ourselves before we are ready to attract that person. I believe with all my heart that when we are sincere, humble, prayerful, and become whole ourselves, we can have that kind of loving relationship.
Once we take responsibility for our part in our relationships and begin to make the changes that need to happen inside of us, we become a different person and energetically will attract a healthier person. Here is what I believe needs to happen, and what I have seen in my practice happen with others……
1. Start the journey of healing from the last relationship. That includes working through all the phases of denial, anger, sadness, grief, and acceptance. Once we look at these things and really feel them and process them, we can move towards forgiveness. Please don’t try to go into a new relationship if you still have anger and unforgiveness towards the last partner. It will show up in the new one!
2. Men will love and respect us to the degree we love and respect ourselves. I think this is the biggest point of all. There is just no way around this. How can we even expect someone else to love and respect us when we don’t feel that way about our self? Once we learn to do this and have really healthy self esteem and confidence, it WILL be mirrored back to us from others. We will have healthy boundaries, interests, independence, joy, and a love for life. Its attractive!
3. Learn to give to yourself and love yourself the way you want to be treated. Sometimes when I ask women to do this, it feels foreign to them. How do you see that special guy treating you? Start treating yourself that way! See yourself as a cherished, sensual, beautiful, deserving woman. Know deep within your heart that you are a daughter of God! If we know how to give good things to our children, how much more does our creator know about us and want to give us the desires of our heart? Trust me…he does. This is where prayer and our faith comes in. Start asking and believing God to bring that person into your life. I believe he is out there desiring and praying the same thing. Be specific.
4. Now speaking of specifics. I myself believe in sitting, meditating, picturing and feeling what you want. Write it down. Make a list of what love is to you. Make a list of what kind of man you want. Know what your deal breakers are. If you want someone healthy, spiritual, romantic, without kids, with kids, good income, sense of humor, athletic, foreign, young, tender hearted, and so on, write that down. What needs are important to you in a relationship? Get to know what you want and do not want. Make a decision that you will not settle just to have someone. You will not be happy in the long run if you settle. Remember that the motto is “to thine own self be true…..therefore you will be false to no man”. I have clients make these lists all the time. Add to it, change it, keep it under your mattress and sleep on it!
5. Know within yourself what love FEELS like to you. What do you want to feel with this person? These are the things I have written down about what love feels like to me: It feels secure, safe, warm, cherished, spontaneous, sharing, well being, appreciated, stability, respect, fun, zest, joyful, sensual, being alive, homey, comfort, peaceful, honest, source energy, spiritual oneness, best friend, grounding. Add your own feelings of love to this and focus on these feelings as a touchstone to attract that type of love.
I also believe that hungry people make poor shoppers. Meaning that when we are needy and desperate for love and a relationship, we will pick poorly out of need instead of choice. So many women are worried that the man will not like them or that they will not be good enough. Believe ladies that you are a damn good prize and that any man would be blessed to have you! YOU be picky about who you want to attract in your life and who is a good match for you. Once we are so happy with ourselves and who we are, we are not so eager to find someone to complete us. That person will actually make us shine brighter and be a beautiful addition, or the icing on the cake, to our already happy fulfilled life!
We have to believe that there is that special love out there for us. After all, we just need one in a sea of millions! Just keep believing. Don’t get discouraged. Picture it, feel it, get excited about it! God wants to give you the desires of your heart.
“And faith is the substance of things hoped and prayed for and the evidence of things not yet seen”
Love, Light and Hope to You All,
Debbie Sherrick/Holistic Codependency Coach